Tuesday, 9 June 2020

Discrimination as a British American Gay Woman in 2020. Raising Awareness and How to Help Us





My people are getting beaten up, killed, and committing suicide for existing.

Happy Pride Month. 

There will be no parades or gatherings this year thanks to COVID-19 and having recently moved near Seattle - this is quite sad to me! Instead of letting Pride month pass us by, I felt the need to speak out instead - in place of attending an event or two - to demonstrate why pride is very much needed.
I am going to be speaking out on what it is like to be a gay woman in 2020. I have never really shared my experiences to anyone about what it has been like to be out for the last 12 years. 

Having lived in the UK most of my life and having recently moved to the USA, I have experiences in both places and both are valid past and present examples.
Generally speaking, I would say that I have had a much better experience than many of my queer counterparts.

No I have not:

  • Been thrown out of my own home, disowned by family, or have poor relationships with them after coming out
  • Been thrown out of my church and/or community 
  • Been beaten up
  • Been killed
  • Wanted to kill myself for existing because I was brainwashed at how bad/disgusting I am
  • Actually killed myself for existing
  • Been told to go to 'conversion therapy'
  • Lived in a time when I cannot marry my love with equal marriage rights
  • Been told I am a paedophile or pervert (or had that drummed into me at some churches that that is what it means to be LGBTQ+) THIS IS NOT TRUE. What even is this teaching?! 
  • Been the victim of 'corrective' rape
That is SO many queer peoples reality. That is happening TODAY. Right now. 
Both in the UK and the USA.

The experiences that I can share are as follows - buckle up, my list 
is long: 

  1. Have men/some women repeatedly tell me that I am a waste or that I'm "too pretty to be gay." 
  2. Have men repeatedly look at me like/tell me I am a challenge and therefore an opportunity to sexually harass in a bid to 'turn me'. Usually in front of many other people. Humiliating. 
  3. Have men repeatedly tell me that one night/"a good f***" with them would cure me. 
  4. Have men think that because I am gay and not interested, that they can touch me more as if I will no longer view it as sexual. It is. 
  5. Have men repeatedly ask over the years if they 'can watch' when they find out I am gay or see me with my partner.  OR asked countless times if I will engage in threesomes with them. Thanks porn industry for this exploitative filth.  
  6. Had a male area (regional) manager yell in front of a busy line of customers (whilst I was serving them) that when I returned from holiday he was "going to turn me straight." 
  7. Been told "oh lighten up, these guys are only joking." 
  8. Called degrading and derogatory terms.
  9. On countless occasions asked how lesbians 'do it' often by completely inappropriate people who should never be addressing sexual conversation with me. Awkward to read? Yeah, awkward to be on the receiving end too. 
  10. Told my intimacy is invalid because it doesn't involve a male. 
  11. Been told I am an abomination and my loving, monogamous relationship is JUST as bad as adultery because it is so gross.
  12. CONSTANTLY have to assess new interactions with people and whether it is 'safe' for me to come out.
  13. Drop my love's hand in public when coming across certain people (usually groups of guys) to avoid potential harassment due to this actually happening on numerous occasions.  
  14. Staying 'closeted' around certain people. 
  15. Have people give much less excited reactions when they found out I am getting married, or outright ignore the subject - even some friends and family who seem to accept me and my relationship. This would not have happened if I were marrying a guy. They would have squealed with glee. It hurts. A lot. 
  16. Watching the excitement of people celebrating brand new relationships but literally get ignored for my 4 year one, where I am actually engaged to the best person on the planet. 
  17. Have my neighbours outright look me in the face and ignore my hellos when out with my fiance. I will continue to say hello. 
  18. Have people shuffle and get awkward in the store when out with my fiance. 
  19. Have people turn their kids away from us. Probably the most heartbreaking. 
  20. After becoming a follower of Jesus 6 years ago, I freaked out and promptly put myself back in the closet in church settings because I realised I was THE THING I cannot be if I want Him- (apparently the very top, unforgivable sin of all sins), causing identity crisis #2 in my life - and a second coming out!! Fun. (Thankfully I have made a strong distinction between people's own beliefs and the God I love's actual view of me - that is another post for another day) 
  21. Told I am welcome in the congregation at certain churches but not in leadership or participation whilst being given inappropriate sexual hand gestures from the pastor in front of people. 
  22. Left a church I previously loved after consoling the awful treatment of 2 friends who ended up in a same-sex relationship - they both got thrown off leadership roles/forced to not talk to each other, shamed etc. I knew then I wasn't truly accepted/safe in that space despite lots of awesome friends there who I believe were genuine in their acceptance/love of me. 
  23. Been scared in every interview over here as I know the inevitable "why did you move to the USA?" will be asked. As well as fear in many previous interviews/new jobs in the UK. 
  24. Hide/lie/avoid conversations when in Ubers alone about moving to the States to be with my fiance - they all like to ask the Brit with the accent. But I am often scared to say why. This would not be the case if I could say "I moved here to be with my boyfriend/husband". I've had many similar things in the UK too. 
  25. Watch some women squirm and comment "I'm not gay" when they find out that I am as if I am somehow attracted to and want EVERY SINGLE woman on the planet. Eww. No. Stop. I'm not a sexual predator and want ONLY my partner. I should NOT have to explain/justify this. Ever. 
  26. Repeatedly over the years had my romantic partner referred to as my 'friend'. This is just awkward, embarrassing, and so very invalidating. This would never be said to a hetero couple. 
  27. Told that I 'chose' this and that I lead a 'lesbian lifestyle' as if this is some kind of dietary decision. Who would deliberately choose to endure this treatment? And at what point in life did we 'choose' our sexual preferences? 
  28. During travelling wanting to stay in same-sex hostel dorms due to not feeling safe around men BUT also not feeling comfortable around women either in case they think I am a threat to them. How am I supposed to win/exist in this lose lose situation? 
That is me. 12 years of this shit. Does it shock or outrage you? Good! It needs to! My experiences are of 100's of repeated accounts of sexual harassment, verbal harassment, shame, exclusion, lesser treatment, and invalidation - purely on the basis of my sexuality. And this is in a society where I am SAFER to be out, unlike so many countries/cultures/religions. I am still one of the lucky ones. I have lived through (as an out person) watching both my countries of citizenship legalise marriage equality (the UK in 2014 and the US in 2015) so that we are legally recognised as having the same feelings and rights. Yes, things are moving in the right direction, but I can and do still experience the above on a daily basis. It's awful. I have invalidated my own experience all these years just because I do not have it worse. That is ridiculous. Please recognise the validity of your own experiences too if you are a queer person reading this post. All of our negative experiences on the premise of being gay matter. All are valid. 

This is why we need Pride. 


I do my best to brush it off, smile, laugh, educate, and ignore these things, but it is not enjoyable living like this. I also feel undervalued when people see me only as gay. I am so much more than that. It is not pleasant to feel like I don't really belong anywhere: amongst straight friends, churches, or anywhere really.  But I would still not change this unique aspect of my identity. I can reach/help people as part of this minority and so can you. <3 It brings me strength and a unique life perspective. I directly understand oppression/discrimination and can be a healer because of it - our painful experiences as humans can be used for purpose - not to just remain victimised. *Unpopular opinion alert*: they can be a gift to others. 

The sexual harassment and sexual objectification of my existence has sometimes been unbearable and has caused me a lot of sexual baggage that I have had to/am working through. It has made me fearful to be around the opposite sex. Because I am gay, many men think that they can cross ALL kinds of sexual boundaries with me - but it is ME who is supposedly full of uncontrollable lust, perverse ways, and an adulteress lifestyle?!?! Hello straight men and others saying this - check yourself. We have got to stop enabling toxic masculinity where men feel entitled to other people's bodies and how they are somehow butt hurt at the existence of gay women - how DARE we not want them?!?!?! It needs to be eradicated with this generation. I believe it can be. Men - you can value us so much better than this - stop the vile lust, the jeers, the taunts, the humiliation. We deserve it (gay or straight) and so do you. You can do better.

 

Fellow queer people:

  • We are not a waste
  • We are not sexual objects
  • Our relationships are equal, valuable, and worthy
  • We CAN have the God that some people tell us that we can't or are not good enough for
  • We belong
  • We exist for purpose and good
  • Our existence matters
  • We were not a mistake when made this way
  • We can help others who struggle in this journey by telling our story

CONCLUSION:

 Do you want to be part of positive change? If this outrages you as a person, particularly if you are a straight ally - please start looking into ways of actively combating homophobia, sexual harassment, and abuse of LGBTQ people both within and outside of the church. You can: educate yourself, donate to causes, you can join rallies/pride/parades/share posts/speak up/defend us, announce that you are an affirming church, etc. There are some useful links below. Also, if you are also affected by similar discrimination/oppression and have mental wounds that need healing - please seek therapy . You are worth it.
You are worth becoming your best self.
<3


UK links:


USA links:



You can also personally email me if you want someone to talk to - particularly if you are a queer Christian, this is a confusing minefield! I get it! - kimshinedling@yahoo.co.uk 









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Monday, 13 April 2020

Help! How Do I Survive Lockdown?? Tips To Avoid Going Utterly Bonkers








So, like millions of people, we are all staying home (hopefully!!!) for the good of our fellow
humans. But, in an instant gratification society, where social events such as:
eating out, festivals, the movies and seeing family are culturally more frequent
than ever before, many of us are bound to be struggling one way or another. I know
I have been and still do on some days. We are used to being out frequently (OK, maybe not you,
oh introverted ones!) Not to mention the stress and fear the media are pumping into our
precious minds. Of course it is important to keep up to date, but wow, what a barrage
of overstimulating information! No wonder so many of us are super anxious
and stressed out right now.

Yes, our grandparents indeed fought in world wars and by comparison we are being told
to just stay home. Thank you soldiers for your sacrifice and horror you went though
but it is also OK for us to have a negative mental response to an enormous and
complex global pandemic. A situation where none of us know the outcome or end. That is a
natural breeding ground for anxious and depressed responses. It's normal.
It's OK to feel that way. Particularly, because similarly to the world wars -
many of us ARE being physically separated from loved one, without an end in sight.
Whilst I am by no means a professional, here are some of my tips to encourage you all,
for what my two cents is worth! Together we can pull through.
Enjoy!



  • GET DRESSED and make the bed. Yep, it sure is tempting to spend the whole day in pjs (believe me I have done this so much with my own isolated, jobless lifestyle the past 5 months even prior to COVID-19 lockdown! However, it does my mental health zero favours, and I can bet it isn’t doing yours any favours either). 

  • Make a list for what you want to do that day. It could literally be a couple things but try not to overwhelm yourself with unrealistic expectations of yourself to just beat yourself up about later. That is not having self compassion. 

  • Go for a daily walk/do a workout/stretch: again it is OK if these do not happen on some days but we all know this is excellent for our physical and mental health. 

  • Eat well: I do not need to be an expert in anything to know that eating/drinking poorly on a regular basis is also a set up for poor output, which in turn makes us feel extra gross, extra lethargic and extra achey.

  • Limit screen/social media/news and TV time - it sucks us in, makes us feel meh and overstimulates us, which has been scientifically shown to increase anxiety and depression - feelings a lot of us already had pre-existing or are now experiencing thanks to COVID-19.

  • Dust off that guitar and strum away again like you used to. 

  • Learn a new skill - have you ever wanted to learn a language or do something else? If this is a practical option for you, you could set aside some time to do that. If you never do this during lockdown/social distancing, that is also totally fine!  

  • Make a new recipe - one you have always put off.

  • Have video dinner dates with friends/families/partners or games nights. Even watch a live stream of a musical or film together and discuss it afterwards/during via message. My partner and I had to be creative by breaking through physical distance for 3.5 years in a transatlantic relationship. So, we truly know you can defeat separation to some degree with the blessing of technology. 

  • Spend time with God and yourself: those of faith -nurture this relationship, give Him the burdens and lean on Him. Nurture the relationship with yourself too with self care and compassion. These relationships are crucial to overall well-being.
.
  • Have a bad day. Yep, you read that right! If nothing at all seems possible and just totally out of reach - ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE A BAD DAY. Read that again. You have not failed because particular days absolutely suck. You do not always have to be productive, society often drums into us that this is where self worth can be found. That is not true. Productivity is obviously essential for some things, but we must allow ourselves to have struggle days too. I have had many, many bad days these past few months and have had to really work on learning that it is totally OK to have them. I must not beat myself up because I DO believe I deserve my own love, just as much as I would love on any other struggling human being. So, why would I not deserve the same? Well, I do!! And so do you!!! On these days self care is more important that ever.


 Be kind to yourself.
Have self compassion.
Connect with others.
It is going to be OK.
Each day is one step closer to this madness ending.


Basically, I am just another human stumbling along this weird journey with you, wanting to
share some encouraging tips that I find work for me whilst keeping it real. 

Love to you all,

Kim x 



 
Getting into bird and wildlife watching :)












Picnics, whiskey, and painting wooden vegetables, because why the frig not?
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